The things they don't tell you

Let me preface this by saying any references to "they" could be a number of things.   Family, friends, media, employers, strangers, bank tellers, etc.

When you don't have kids, they tell you, "They're such a gift, such blessings!"  "How can you not want/like kids?" "Don't you want to leave a legacy?"  "Won't you be lonely when you're old?"

When you're pregnant, they tell you, "Are you sure you're ready for this?" "Oh boy you're in for it now." "Isn't it so uncomfortable?" "Too soon?" "Too late?" "You will never sleep again." "That name? Really?!?"

When you have kids, they tell you, "Be firm." "You look tired." "Everything is about them now."  "Breastfeeding is best." "A pacifier? Why?!"  "Don't they have a bedtime?" "You're too easy with them." "Uh oh, someone is not happy!" (Ugh that last one, seriously. I'm standing right here so I have noticed the red faced screaming toddler is not happy. Thanks.)

But what they don't tell you are the things you least expect.  For example, when Lincoln turned three last year, I got teary eyed when I was about to throw away the 3 candle during clean up.  

Yes, a candle brought me to tears. I even took a picture of the moment because I was thinking, maybe I'll blog about this......4 months later.

Of all things.  Was it because it was the same candle that Shadow used for his 3rd birthday?  Was it because Lincoln was just a baby like 2 minutes ago and already he is 3?  Or was it because the act of throwing this candle away was another admittance that we were definitely done having kids?

Who knows.  Maybe it's all or none of those reasons.  It's these tiny, seemingly insignificant moments in time that they don't tell you about.  They never tell you that you will look at your children and your heart will just ache because you love them so much.  They never tell you that watching your kindergartner perform in the school play as a stink bug will make you ball like a baby.  They never tell you that a toddler singing "On top of spaghetti" time and time again will make you feel like you've birthed the next Tony award winner. And they most certainly don't tell you that throwing birthday candles away will get you all choked up. 

Coffee and Jesus

One of my goals for 2019 is to write more here.  In a world where you can stream anything, it's been super easy to get comfy on my couch and watch a story.  Over the past year I had moments where I would tell myself, "Man, I should blog about this."  But, hello Sherlock on Netflix, or Downtown Abbey on Prime.  I surrender to you. 

For this first post, as an attempt to get back into the swing of things, I am going to write about a morning I had last year.  In hindsight, it's going to sound really silly.  But in the moment, I felt like I was having a true epiphany or out of body experience. 

Let's begin with how much I love coffee.  The smell, the taste, the warm feeling as it revives my body and soul. Every morning, this is our relationship.   Wake up. Think to myself, "Just get the coffee, you'll be fine.  Coffee, coffee, coffee. Walk to kitchen. Put coffee pod in Keurig.  Start Keurig.  Use bathroom while coffee brews.  Return to mug and enjoy the quiet before I start my day.  "Ahh, coffee. You never let me down." Until then, there is no talking or the doing of the "things." 

One morning last year, there was no coffee.  I stared at the Keurig, fearful of the Shakespearean tragedy that was about to unfold.  But, I decided no big deal.  Maybe I can grab some on my way to school, or I'll just move my afternoon soda to my emergency morning caffeine fix? Well, it was a big deal.  As I went about my typical morning routine I felt dizzy and nauseous.  I had to sit down periodically.  I took me forever to do my hair and make-up because I felt so out of it.  I thought to myself, "Is this what drug addicts go through when they are in withdrawal?".  I was shaking and beginning to get a headache. 

And then it was as if the Lord shook me up and scolded me.  Why was I not craving Jesus in the morning like I was my coffee?  If this is what it felt like to be without coffee for one morning, what would it feel like to be without Jesus completely?  I don't even want to think about it.  I started praying, asking Jesus to forgive me for putting so much weight on a morning beverage, rather than morning time with Him. 

So, you can see now how silly this sounds, but that morning I was convicted. Since then, I have tried to be very intentional about reading my daily Bible verse or a devotion, before I've had my coffee.  Because as much as I adore the French vanilla or pumpkin spice goodness, I adore my Savior more, and it was time to really put that into action.  

So now the morning goes more like this.  Wake up.  Tell myself, "Jesus and coffee, Jesus and coffee", as I walk to the kitchen.  Start Keurig.  Read devotion or Bible verse while it brews.  Sit and enjoy my cup in the quiet. "Ahh Jesus.  You never let me down."

When you're a parent....

Well, in typical fashion, it's been about a year since my last post.  This morning, I had the urge to write about the thoughts that have kept me awake since 5:00am-on a Saturday!  I have only been a parent for 6 years so these are by no means words of wisdom, but rather observations or reflections.

When you are a parent-movies take on a whole new meaning.  As you know, I love movies, films.  Jordan and I both appreciate the art and the skill that is involved in producing a movie.  So maybe this is why they are on my mind today.  Movies that I have re watched since becoming a parent pull at my heart in different ways, in almost a deeper way?  I'm not sure how to explain it now...it is still early.

For example, Dumbo.  Before becoming a parent, this movie was a cute story about a baby elephant that learns to fly.  I remember watching it and thinking how sweet the characters were, and I loved Dumbo's friendship with the mouse.  The mouse helps Dumbo when he is separated from his mother, and gives Dumbo the courage he needs to show everyone he can truly be a circus performer! When this happens, he becomes famous and is reunited with his mother.  No tears, ever!

Now, as a parent, watching Dumbo goes something like this.."Oh! Those elephants/people are so mean to Dumbo! They are bullying him!  Gosh I hope Shadow and Lincoln are never bullied(or become bullies)-my heart would ache for them so bad!"  "Oh, no! Don't take his mother away! She was only trying to protect him from you nasty elephants/people." "Oh, Dumbo is so sad! I would die if I had to be permanently separated from my children.  How would they go on without me?!?!"  Oh Lord, she can't see Dumbo but she can feel him! She can sing him a lullaby while he sits and cuddles with her trunk.  Oh this song, "Baby of mine!" I can't stand it...my children are precious to me too! "C'mon Dumbo, you can do this! You CAN fly!  Believe in yourself!  I hope I can always encourage Shadow and Lincoln to do be their best selves."  "Finally! Mommy is with her baby again!"  Sob, Sob, Sob.

Okay, a little dramatic but it's true.  That movie hits me right in the gut every time.  Another example would be Spencer's Mountain.  For those that haven't seen it, go rent it.  It stars Henry Fonda and Maureen O'Hara.  The Spencer's live on a mountain, and have for generations.  They have several kids, and their oldest, Clay Boy, is the brightest, most accomplished student in his graduating class.  He wants to go to college, but money it tight because the family is working on building a dream home up on the mountain, his father becomes injured and can't work for a while, and there are several mouths to feed.

Before I was a parent, I enjoyed watching older movies, and this was one of them.  I like to be taken back to simpler times.  I love how the Spencer's were proud of their family, how they worked hard, how Mrs. Spencer wanted the children to go to church, and how Clay Boy never lost sight of his ambition to go to college.  I was sad when it looked like he wouldn't be able to go because his family couldn't afford it.  But, things turn around and Clay Boy gets to go to the university and it's a happy ending.

Now, as a parent, I watch this movie and cry, cry, cry, because I put myself in place of Mr.and Mrs. Spencer.  What if one of my boys wants to go to a great college, gets accepted, is top of his class, but we can't afford it?  I would be heartbroken for both of them.  I'd feel like I had failed them somehow. I watch the movie and see how hard the Spencers work to come up with the funds to send Clay Boy to the university and I think to myself, "I would do the same! I would try everything to give my boys their best opportunities in this world!" His father actually drives to the university and talks to the dean and asks how his boy can get there. The towns people help him learn Latin so he can meet all requirements, and his sweet Grandpa left him his rainy day fund of $30 to help.  When Mr. Spencer finally sees that the home they live in is enough ( I don't want to spoil it too bad), he does something drastic that allows the family to afford Clay Boy's tuition and fees. And Clay Boy is so grateful, he just can't believe it.  And I sob and sob because I want to be that person for my boys.  A parent that goes to any length to give my boys happiness, but also to raise them in a way where they will never take their opportunities for granted. Plus there is the scene where the family says good-bye to Clay Boy when he leaves for college.  Don't even want to go there.

While my boys are still young, they won't be for long. Shadow is six, and Lincoln turned one last week.  Like most of you with your children, it seems just like yesterday that they came into this world.  I'm so blessed that God chose me to be their mommy, and it is very hard for me to comprehend that as much I love my boys, God loves them more.

I realize that that are more movies in my future that will turn me into a pile of tears when they didn't before, but that's alright,  I wouldn't go back.


(Oh! Timothy is the mouse in Dumbo.)

15 books in 2015 - #'s 12 - 15 :/

I didn't reach my goal of reading 20 books in 2015.  That sucks. I could tell myself " it's OK! What's important is that you tried!" but I'm actually a little upset.  It doesn't matter how big or small or insignificant a goal is, if I set one for myself and I don't meet it, I'm pretty disappointed. But- I did get through 15 before the year ended, and I suppose that is something.

#12- Joyland by Stephan King. I had never read a Stephen King book. Probably because when I think of King I think of scary clowns and "Heeerre's Jonny!!"  but my sister recommended it and I was pleasantly surprised. It takes place at a quaint seaside amusement park in the 70's (I think). The main character goes to work at the amusement park one summer that, of course, is haunted. It's actually a sweet story about growing up, taking leaps of faith, and letting go of things that hold you back.  The mystery of the amusement park and it's ghost are added bonuses.

#13- Breakfast at Tiffany's by Truman Capote.  I have been a fan of the movie for years and thought it was time to read the source material. Holly Golightly is just as delightful in the book as she is in the movie. But while the movie is more of a love story, the book really is not.

#14- Dark Places by Gillian Flynn. The story takes place in Kansas- which I found somewhat comforting because I have been to many of the places mentioned in the book. But the story is dark, twisted and thrilling. Much like her other books.

#15- Animal Farm by George Orwell. I've heard people tell me they had to read this book in high school. I never did. I noticed how short it was while I was at the library so I picked it up. Quite a small book for a big story. A bunch of animals decide they will rebel against their owner and they drive him off of the farm. They begin to make their own rules and government and you soon see what corruptions and misfortunes will follow. They put the pigs in charge- seriously.


 Out of the 15 books I read last year I would have to say The Book Thief was my favorite.  It was unlike anything I have ever read and the story still stays with me today.  It was happy, sad, haunting and heartbreaking.  Reading that book just gave me all "the feels."

I'm still thinking about a goal for this year, but not sure yet what to do- if anything.  I do know I will keep reading! I actually have another Stephen King book on my nightstand right now,...