The one where I blame the books

I logged two entries in January in an effort to fulfill my 2019 goal of writing more on here.  And then....hello mid-June!  I'm trying.  The excuse that I will use this time is books.  I like to read, but the spring semester was rather busy at school with field trips, basketball games, parent conferences, and something called National History Day that will require another post entirely. So, the 3 books that I have manged to get in took up all the nooks and crannies of my time.  (Ok, Netflix is still a big player here, but I didn't want to use that excuse again.)

So books.  I was gifted 99 Glimpses of Princess Margaret for Christmas from my sister-in-law.  I am always intrigued by the Royal Family and British history.   The book doesn't read like a novel, but is rather a collection of diary entries, news articles, and interviews showcasing her life.  Being in the constant shadow of her sister, Elizabeth, Margaret felt the need to lead a very bright life full of scandal and controversial relationships. It was entertaining and sad.  I thought to myself several times, had their birth order been reversed, would we have seen a different side of Margaret and Elizabeth? 

Frankenstein was next thanks to a work friend.  I think everyone knows who Frankenstein is, but until you read the book, you just don't get it.  This is a story meant to be haunting but I was close to tears numerous times.  The short of it is this: Frankenstein rejects his creation (the monster) with disdain and loathing.  Being rejected by my Creator is something I can't imagine and I'm grateful that I will never have to experience it.  The more the monster learns about love, he realizes how wretched he is and he craves to have this affection from Frankenstein.  How awesome it is that while we are wretched sinners, our Creator doesn't reject us, but offers us his unconditional love.  Apart from which we are nothing. 

I almost didn't give The Woman in the Window a chance because it started off just like Rear Window and "I've heard this story before" came out of my mouth more than once.  But....while it's very similar, it's also offers somethign new, and it was a page turner.  I get so excited when a book wants to keep me up at 2:30 in the morning just so I can figure out what the heck is going on. If you like a good "Who done it?" and old Hollywood movies, I think you would enjoy this book. 

Summer time is so special to me.  I can get a little break from teaching and spend some time with my boys.  I can watch more Netflix documentaries and read more books!  And, hopefully get more writing done too. 

The things they don't tell you

Let me preface this by saying any references to "they" could be a number of things.   Family, friends, media, employers, strangers, bank tellers, etc.

When you don't have kids, they tell you, "They're such a gift, such blessings!"  "How can you not want/like kids?" "Don't you want to leave a legacy?"  "Won't you be lonely when you're old?"

When you're pregnant, they tell you, "Are you sure you're ready for this?" "Oh boy you're in for it now." "Isn't it so uncomfortable?" "Too soon?" "Too late?" "You will never sleep again." "That name? Really?!?"

When you have kids, they tell you, "Be firm." "You look tired." "Everything is about them now."  "Breastfeeding is best." "A pacifier? Why?!"  "Don't they have a bedtime?" "You're too easy with them." "Uh oh, someone is not happy!" (Ugh that last one, seriously. I'm standing right here so I have noticed the red faced screaming toddler is not happy. Thanks.)

But what they don't tell you are the things you least expect.  For example, when Lincoln turned three last year, I got teary eyed when I was about to throw away the 3 candle during clean up.  

Yes, a candle brought me to tears. I even took a picture of the moment because I was thinking, maybe I'll blog about this......4 months later.

Of all things.  Was it because it was the same candle that Shadow used for his 3rd birthday?  Was it because Lincoln was just a baby like 2 minutes ago and already he is 3?  Or was it because the act of throwing this candle away was another admittance that we were definitely done having kids?

Who knows.  Maybe it's all or none of those reasons.  It's these tiny, seemingly insignificant moments in time that they don't tell you about.  They never tell you that you will look at your children and your heart will just ache because you love them so much.  They never tell you that watching your kindergartner perform in the school play as a stink bug will make you ball like a baby.  They never tell you that a toddler singing "On top of spaghetti" time and time again will make you feel like you've birthed the next Tony award winner. And they most certainly don't tell you that throwing birthday candles away will get you all choked up. 

Coffee and Jesus

One of my goals for 2019 is to write more here.  In a world where you can stream anything, it's been super easy to get comfy on my couch and watch a story.  Over the past year I had moments where I would tell myself, "Man, I should blog about this."  But, hello Sherlock on Netflix, or Downtown Abbey on Prime.  I surrender to you. 

For this first post, as an attempt to get back into the swing of things, I am going to write about a morning I had last year.  In hindsight, it's going to sound really silly.  But in the moment, I felt like I was having a true epiphany or out of body experience. 

Let's begin with how much I love coffee.  The smell, the taste, the warm feeling as it revives my body and soul. Every morning, this is our relationship.   Wake up. Think to myself, "Just get the coffee, you'll be fine.  Coffee, coffee, coffee. Walk to kitchen. Put coffee pod in Keurig.  Start Keurig.  Use bathroom while coffee brews.  Return to mug and enjoy the quiet before I start my day.  "Ahh, coffee. You never let me down." Until then, there is no talking or the doing of the "things." 

One morning last year, there was no coffee.  I stared at the Keurig, fearful of the Shakespearean tragedy that was about to unfold.  But, I decided no big deal.  Maybe I can grab some on my way to school, or I'll just move my afternoon soda to my emergency morning caffeine fix? Well, it was a big deal.  As I went about my typical morning routine I felt dizzy and nauseous.  I had to sit down periodically.  I took me forever to do my hair and make-up because I felt so out of it.  I thought to myself, "Is this what drug addicts go through when they are in withdrawal?".  I was shaking and beginning to get a headache. 

And then it was as if the Lord shook me up and scolded me.  Why was I not craving Jesus in the morning like I was my coffee?  If this is what it felt like to be without coffee for one morning, what would it feel like to be without Jesus completely?  I don't even want to think about it.  I started praying, asking Jesus to forgive me for putting so much weight on a morning beverage, rather than morning time with Him. 

So, you can see now how silly this sounds, but that morning I was convicted. Since then, I have tried to be very intentional about reading my daily Bible verse or a devotion, before I've had my coffee.  Because as much as I adore the French vanilla or pumpkin spice goodness, I adore my Savior more, and it was time to really put that into action.  

So now the morning goes more like this.  Wake up.  Tell myself, "Jesus and coffee, Jesus and coffee", as I walk to the kitchen.  Start Keurig.  Read devotion or Bible verse while it brews.  Sit and enjoy my cup in the quiet. "Ahh Jesus.  You never let me down."

When you're a parent....

Well, in typical fashion, it's been about a year since my last post.  This morning, I had the urge to write about the thoughts that have kept me awake since 5:00am-on a Saturday!  I have only been a parent for 6 years so these are by no means words of wisdom, but rather observations or reflections.

When you are a parent-movies take on a whole new meaning.  As you know, I love movies, films.  Jordan and I both appreciate the art and the skill that is involved in producing a movie.  So maybe this is why they are on my mind today.  Movies that I have re watched since becoming a parent pull at my heart in different ways, in almost a deeper way?  I'm not sure how to explain it now...it is still early.

For example, Dumbo.  Before becoming a parent, this movie was a cute story about a baby elephant that learns to fly.  I remember watching it and thinking how sweet the characters were, and I loved Dumbo's friendship with the mouse.  The mouse helps Dumbo when he is separated from his mother, and gives Dumbo the courage he needs to show everyone he can truly be a circus performer! When this happens, he becomes famous and is reunited with his mother.  No tears, ever!

Now, as a parent, watching Dumbo goes something like this.."Oh! Those elephants/people are so mean to Dumbo! They are bullying him!  Gosh I hope Shadow and Lincoln are never bullied(or become bullies)-my heart would ache for them so bad!"  "Oh, no! Don't take his mother away! She was only trying to protect him from you nasty elephants/people." "Oh, Dumbo is so sad! I would die if I had to be permanently separated from my children.  How would they go on without me?!?!"  Oh Lord, she can't see Dumbo but she can feel him! She can sing him a lullaby while he sits and cuddles with her trunk.  Oh this song, "Baby of mine!" I can't stand it...my children are precious to me too! "C'mon Dumbo, you can do this! You CAN fly!  Believe in yourself!  I hope I can always encourage Shadow and Lincoln to do be their best selves."  "Finally! Mommy is with her baby again!"  Sob, Sob, Sob.

Okay, a little dramatic but it's true.  That movie hits me right in the gut every time.  Another example would be Spencer's Mountain.  For those that haven't seen it, go rent it.  It stars Henry Fonda and Maureen O'Hara.  The Spencer's live on a mountain, and have for generations.  They have several kids, and their oldest, Clay Boy, is the brightest, most accomplished student in his graduating class.  He wants to go to college, but money it tight because the family is working on building a dream home up on the mountain, his father becomes injured and can't work for a while, and there are several mouths to feed.

Before I was a parent, I enjoyed watching older movies, and this was one of them.  I like to be taken back to simpler times.  I love how the Spencer's were proud of their family, how they worked hard, how Mrs. Spencer wanted the children to go to church, and how Clay Boy never lost sight of his ambition to go to college.  I was sad when it looked like he wouldn't be able to go because his family couldn't afford it.  But, things turn around and Clay Boy gets to go to the university and it's a happy ending.

Now, as a parent, I watch this movie and cry, cry, cry, because I put myself in place of Mr.and Mrs. Spencer.  What if one of my boys wants to go to a great college, gets accepted, is top of his class, but we can't afford it?  I would be heartbroken for both of them.  I'd feel like I had failed them somehow. I watch the movie and see how hard the Spencers work to come up with the funds to send Clay Boy to the university and I think to myself, "I would do the same! I would try everything to give my boys their best opportunities in this world!" His father actually drives to the university and talks to the dean and asks how his boy can get there. The towns people help him learn Latin so he can meet all requirements, and his sweet Grandpa left him his rainy day fund of $30 to help.  When Mr. Spencer finally sees that the home they live in is enough ( I don't want to spoil it too bad), he does something drastic that allows the family to afford Clay Boy's tuition and fees. And Clay Boy is so grateful, he just can't believe it.  And I sob and sob because I want to be that person for my boys.  A parent that goes to any length to give my boys happiness, but also to raise them in a way where they will never take their opportunities for granted. Plus there is the scene where the family says good-bye to Clay Boy when he leaves for college.  Don't even want to go there.

While my boys are still young, they won't be for long. Shadow is six, and Lincoln turned one last week.  Like most of you with your children, it seems just like yesterday that they came into this world.  I'm so blessed that God chose me to be their mommy, and it is very hard for me to comprehend that as much I love my boys, God loves them more.

I realize that that are more movies in my future that will turn me into a pile of tears when they didn't before, but that's alright,  I wouldn't go back.


(Oh! Timothy is the mouse in Dumbo.)