Who are you if you're not angry?

I have been debating on whether or not I wanted to write about this.  I asked myself, is this blog supposed to be an outpouring of my most inner feelings and emotions, or just a fun way for family to keep up with the Smiths and our activities.  I told myself it could be both.  I enjoy writing and I like using this blog as an artistic outlet for me to share memories with others, rant and rave about current events, recommend movie and book choices, etc.  But the main reason I started the blog was to keep a record of my experiences as a wife and mother, to preserve the memories that Jordan, Shadow and I make together as a family.  But let's face it, not all experiences or memories are good, so it would be dishonest of me not to share the not-so-happy things as well.

I feel like I could write several pages worth about this and I'm not sure where to start so let me just be frank.  I had been very depressed and angry for quite sometime.  Why?  My parents clearly didn't love each other anymore and were to be divorced.  What makes it a bit ironic, even humorous really, is that this all started just a few months before Jordan and I were married.  Yes, here I am, looking forward to my new life with my new husband, only to watch my parents crumble into co-existence, rather than be the loving, wise, experienced married couple that I think a lot of young newlyweds hope their parents can be. 

However, I had a glimmer of hope.  Shadow.  I just knew that they would straighten up once Shadow arrived.  I thought to myself, they will want to be in his life together.  That they would look beyond the problems they were having and find a way to overcome them so they could relish the joy that Shadow was going to bring to everyone.

No such luck.  My parents would divorce and the separation was anything but pleasant.  I began to see my parents for the imperfect beings that they are and began to lose faith in their wisdom that I feel all children hold their parents accountable for.  I was starting a new family with Jordan and Shadow, only to watch my old family fall apart.  In a way, I felt like my entire childhood died when their marriage did.  I had visions of Shadow going to visit Grandma and Grandpa.  I wanted the big holiday and birthday celebrations for him like I had when I was growing up. But I knew these wouldn't happen like I had planned.  I would look at our family pictures from vacations, graduations, etc.  The memories seemed tainted even though I saw four smiling faces looking back at me.

So, to say I was angry would put it mildly.  I was furious at the situation, sad to let go of the hopes of future family memories to be made, angry with their behavior, and overcome with a feeling of loss.  So much of who I am today I owe to my parents.  I grew up thinking we were such a strong family, but perhaps I was always looking through smoke and mirrors.  I spent days and days and months and months searching for a reason for the dissolution of my family.  I began to feel like I was losing touch with who I was as a person. And what angered and depressed me even more was I saw how my fury not only hindered me, but Jordan and Shadow as well.

I sought out counseling and was blessed with who I found.  My counselor reminded me that I have my own family now, and that what has happened is not my fault  In fact, it's not my problem at all!  Every child learns one day that their parents aren't perfect.  And it's ok!  She coached me on ways to pray to find the strength to forgive, to realize it is never too late for a happy childhood, and to find the peace and rest in the Lord that would carry me through this.  She helped me remind myself of who I was and who I needed to be for my husband and little boy.  She asked a very important question that broke the chains of resentment and allowed me to move beyond the despair of what had happened.  During our last session she asked me, " Who are you Amanda, if you're not angry?"

Holy Crap!  I am so much more than my anger.  I am a loving an compassionate wife and mother.  I am still a child and I forgive as I have been forgiven.  And let's be honest, I'm a little weird.  I try to make people laugh, I am a good listener.  I value family, faith and freedom.  I geek out about things like the Royal Family, Disney, books, fashion, libraries, politics.  I was meant for another decade.  I would have voted for Eisenhower, swooned over Cary Grant at the movies,  and caught every episode of I Love Lucy.  I am a teacher and I am here for others.

My counselor told me, " Don't you think all of that is more important that your feelings of anger?  Don't you see how much more to you there is and how much you will continue to hold out on your family if you don't let yourself be the things you are when you're not angry?"  She was so right.  I had let my anger wrap around my like a thousand vines and ensnare every good thing about me.  I was being ungrateful for the many good things God has blessed me with.  My parents are a part of these good things.  I love them just as much separately, as I did when they were together.  I would try my best to move past this and find the courage to be above my anger.

And as they say, 'time heals all wounds', I found that prayer and love were healing mine.  I can say I am very close to a point where I can be a peace about what has happened.  I can see how happy my parents are now and how they are still involved in Shadow's life.  Perhaps not like I had imagined, but in the crazy way God had planned.   This isn't to say the divorce will never poke at my heart a bit, the devil knows that it will bring me down.  But, I don't have to give him the satisfaction of letting the anger take over.  Like I said before, I am above my anger and the devil will just have to deal with it.  After all, I am a weird Harry Potter-Royal Family-Hunger Games-super-hero obsessed wife-mother-teacher, and you just don't mess with us.