The things they don't tell you

Let me preface this by saying any references to "they" could be a number of things.   Family, friends, media, employers, strangers, bank tellers, etc.

When you don't have kids, they tell you, "They're such a gift, such blessings!"  "How can you not want/like kids?" "Don't you want to leave a legacy?"  "Won't you be lonely when you're old?"

When you're pregnant, they tell you, "Are you sure you're ready for this?" "Oh boy you're in for it now." "Isn't it so uncomfortable?" "Too soon?" "Too late?" "You will never sleep again." "That name? Really?!?"

When you have kids, they tell you, "Be firm." "You look tired." "Everything is about them now."  "Breastfeeding is best." "A pacifier? Why?!"  "Don't they have a bedtime?" "You're too easy with them." "Uh oh, someone is not happy!" (Ugh that last one, seriously. I'm standing right here so I have noticed the red faced screaming toddler is not happy. Thanks.)

But what they don't tell you are the things you least expect.  For example, when Lincoln turned three last year, I got teary eyed when I was about to throw away the 3 candle during clean up.  

Yes, a candle brought me to tears. I even took a picture of the moment because I was thinking, maybe I'll blog about this......4 months later.

Of all things.  Was it because it was the same candle that Shadow used for his 3rd birthday?  Was it because Lincoln was just a baby like 2 minutes ago and already he is 3?  Or was it because the act of throwing this candle away was another admittance that we were definitely done having kids?

Who knows.  Maybe it's all or none of those reasons.  It's these tiny, seemingly insignificant moments in time that they don't tell you about.  They never tell you that you will look at your children and your heart will just ache because you love them so much.  They never tell you that watching your kindergartner perform in the school play as a stink bug will make you ball like a baby.  They never tell you that a toddler singing "On top of spaghetti" time and time again will make you feel like you've birthed the next Tony award winner. And they most certainly don't tell you that throwing birthday candles away will get you all choked up. 

Coffee and Jesus

One of my goals for 2019 is to write more here.  In a world where you can stream anything, it's been super easy to get comfy on my couch and watch a story.  Over the past year I had moments where I would tell myself, "Man, I should blog about this."  But, hello Sherlock on Netflix, or Downtown Abbey on Prime.  I surrender to you. 

For this first post, as an attempt to get back into the swing of things, I am going to write about a morning I had last year.  In hindsight, it's going to sound really silly.  But in the moment, I felt like I was having a true epiphany or out of body experience. 

Let's begin with how much I love coffee.  The smell, the taste, the warm feeling as it revives my body and soul. Every morning, this is our relationship.   Wake up. Think to myself, "Just get the coffee, you'll be fine.  Coffee, coffee, coffee. Walk to kitchen. Put coffee pod in Keurig.  Start Keurig.  Use bathroom while coffee brews.  Return to mug and enjoy the quiet before I start my day.  "Ahh, coffee. You never let me down." Until then, there is no talking or the doing of the "things." 

One morning last year, there was no coffee.  I stared at the Keurig, fearful of the Shakespearean tragedy that was about to unfold.  But, I decided no big deal.  Maybe I can grab some on my way to school, or I'll just move my afternoon soda to my emergency morning caffeine fix? Well, it was a big deal.  As I went about my typical morning routine I felt dizzy and nauseous.  I had to sit down periodically.  I took me forever to do my hair and make-up because I felt so out of it.  I thought to myself, "Is this what drug addicts go through when they are in withdrawal?".  I was shaking and beginning to get a headache. 

And then it was as if the Lord shook me up and scolded me.  Why was I not craving Jesus in the morning like I was my coffee?  If this is what it felt like to be without coffee for one morning, what would it feel like to be without Jesus completely?  I don't even want to think about it.  I started praying, asking Jesus to forgive me for putting so much weight on a morning beverage, rather than morning time with Him. 

So, you can see now how silly this sounds, but that morning I was convicted. Since then, I have tried to be very intentional about reading my daily Bible verse or a devotion, before I've had my coffee.  Because as much as I adore the French vanilla or pumpkin spice goodness, I adore my Savior more, and it was time to really put that into action.  

So now the morning goes more like this.  Wake up.  Tell myself, "Jesus and coffee, Jesus and coffee", as I walk to the kitchen.  Start Keurig.  Read devotion or Bible verse while it brews.  Sit and enjoy my cup in the quiet. "Ahh Jesus.  You never let me down."